


One tends to lose one's mind

by Belsmomaus



Series: I can't lose you! [2]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bodhi's POV, Bor Gullet - Freeform, Cassian's POV, Cuddling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, M/M, Post-Battle of Scarif, mentions of torture, the rest of the team has only minor parts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-26 13:31:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10787661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Belsmomaus/pseuds/Belsmomaus
Summary: Bor Gullet isn’t the only one of their kind. Bodhi knew this of course. On some level.Facing it, though – again as a prisoner – seeing the proof with his own eyes, coming towards him on strong, writhing tentacles, that’s something totally different.It’s a nightmare.At least this time he’s not alone. Cassian and the others are with him.Question is, does that make it better… or much, much worse?





	1. Nightmare

**Author's Note:**

> I was mean again... I know...
> 
> I just couldn't get the thought out of my mind what would happen if Bodhi stumbles across another one of Bor Gullet's species on one of their missions. Of course, being me, it had to turn into something dark and angsty and dramatic and I should probably feel sorry, but... I don't?
> 
> So, you were warned. Don't say otherwise later ;)
> 
> Enjoy!  
> (The second chapter will be up in three days. Promise!)

 

“You bring two of them in our midst and claim you want to _help_ us? Sure!” The woman spits on the ground, right in front of the metal cell bars. There is no denying her utter disdain – for them in general and Cassian in particular. “I don’t trust you! Not one bit!”

Cassian opts to ignore her action and steps up closer to the bars, trying for a friendly expression and tone, placating yet not pleading. “I know how it looks, believe me. I do. But I’m telling you the truth.”

She huffs. Crosses her arms in front of her chest and eyes him from head to toe for a second, her gaze just as dark as her skin. Her left eyebrow rises and Bodhi can’t help but think it’s a challenge of some kind.

“Only one way to find out!”

The woman takes a step backwards and nods to two of her men standing at the door. It’s some kind of signal and obviously they know what she wants of them, Bodhi on the other hand can only watch with a growing feeling of unease in his stomach. This whole situation reminds him far too much of another bunch of rebels and another prison. One that he longs to forget, if only he could.

This time, though, he is not alone. They’re all here, trapped in a corner – figuratively – and in a cell, literally. And it’s all his fault. His and Kay’s.

They’d just been on their way back from an infiltration mission – get inside the Imperial compound, break into General Raskins’ office and steal the datachip that holds information on all the Imperial spies that have been planted within the rebellion – as they’d received new orders. A quick detour to Voquor, a planet only recently fallen under Imperial occupation. They were closest and it was only a quick visit. An introduction. They were supposed to meet with a local resistance group led by one Sola Komo, their base hidden somewhere in the southern jungle, and offer them an alliance. After all, they want the same thing and the Alliance always needs more people willing to fight for their freedom.

Kaytoo had estimated their most likely location and they’d left him and Kay behind – better to not show up to a first meeting – an unannounced first meeting – with an anti-Imperial rebel group with an Imperial droid and a pilot in an Imperial flight suit in tow.

Two hours after the others’ departure the shuttle had been surrounded by rebels, mostly human looking. They’d been brought to the underground base – not too gently – and Bodhi’d had his hands full trying to explain to them that they’re not with the Empire and at the same time urging Kay to do as they say, keeping him from doing something stupid.

They didn’t listen. _Of course_ they didn’t listen, Bodhi hadn’t expected them to – if his experience has taught him one thing than that.

Sola Komo – a passionate woman with an absolutely terrifying glare – didn’t take well to their arrival. Okay, that’s an understatement. She took it as a deception on Cassian’s part, called him an Imperial spy and threw them all in a cell.

That’s where they are now. In a mess again. Because of his past and that damn insignia on his and Kay’s shoulders. They had been useful on their infiltration job, now not so much.

He wants to apologize, wants to explain, wants to kriffing shout his anger in their faces for being judged by appearances alone, but he knows it’s futile. All of it. And if he’s honest, if their positions were reversed he’d be careful, probably mistrustful as well. Which doesn’t do a thing to ease the potent mix of guilt and simmering anger in his guts.

All the better for it, because he prefers the distraction of it over the underlying unease that gnaws at his nerves and keeps him on edge. It’s the damn cell. The ‘not-being-believed’ part. Even the dark skin of their captor.

It’s way too familiar.

So he welcomes every distraction he can get.

One of the guards steps back into the room, carrying a chair. He places it in the middle of the room, halfway between door and cell, facing the door. Sola watches and retreats to the side wall to keep an eye on everything and everyone. Her arms still crossed and one of her feet pulled up, sole against the wall, she cuts a dangerous and attentive figure. The guard takes up position next to her and Bodhi can’t help but notice the way they hold each others’ gazes and whisper. It’s different than with Gerrera’s men. These two see eye to eye, they respect each other. There is no sign of fear or disdain in the guard’s behavior.

He’s not sure if that’s a good sign or not.

Then the second guard comes back, directly followed by something big and compact that’s moving in a strange way, more gliding than-

Even before his brain is able to process what’s in front of his eyes, Bodhi freezes. He gasps. Every last bit of oxygen pressed out of his lungs by the flood of ice in his veins. He suddenly bumps into something. Something warm and human. A hand is placed on his shoulder, shortly followed by a quiet, inquiring ‘Bodhi?’. It’s Jyn. Or Chirrut. He can’t tell. Can’t even tell _that_ anymore, not with his mind sucker-punched into his worst nightmare.

He must’ve taken a step backwards – _of course he has!_ _Just away from that thing!_ \- for when Cassian turns around he’s farther away than he’s supposed to. He unclasps Bodhi’s hands where they’re buried in the fabric of his jacket – _when had he done that?_ \- gently and with a confused and worried frown.

Bodhi swallows. His throat is dry. His voice a raspy shadow of its usual timbre.

“Bor Gullet.”

It’s the only thing he manages.

It’s enough.

For Cassian.

For the others.

They all know. And they all turn again to look. At that horrible thing with its writhing tentacles, its almost translucent skin, slimy and glistening in the room’s artificial light. At those dull eyes on either side of its bulbous head, always moving, looking at them. At _him_.

It’s not the same creature as on Jedha. Of course it’s not. That one is dead. But this one is very much alive. And it’s bigger. It’s movements heavier and slower. At least he thinks so. He’s not sure. Not really.

He’s not sure of anything.

Apart from the pressure of that hand on his shoulder – too big to be Jyn’s – and the warmth of Cassian’s hand around his own, its grip tight and reassuring. A promise.

It helps.

Cassian visibly forces his gaze off of the monster and back to Sola and her rebels, never letting go of Bodhi’s hand.

“There is no need for this.” The strain in Cassian’s voice is obvious.

Sola is unimpressed. “Oh, so you’re familiar with my friend’s abilities here. Good.”

There’s a pause. No doubt Cassian waiting for her to say something else, to rethink her intentions.

Nothing.

“This is unnecessarily cruel!”

Bodhi flinches, unprepared for Cassian’s uncontrolled outburst. It’s unusual. And it’s because of him, he can feel it in the increase of pressure around his hand.

Something in Sola’s face flickers. But it quickly settles back into an impassive stare.

“I’m telling you the truth! We’re from the Alliance. All of us. And we want to help you, but if you don’t believe me, if you don’t want our help then just let us go and we’ll leave.”

This time Sola smiles. It’s more of a smirk, smart and dangerous. “But I can’t do that now, can I? You’ve seen way too much. Know too much. I can’t take the risk of you being Imperial spies. Anyway, my friend here is excellent at detecting lies. This won’t take long. And I just need one of you.”

_Bor Gullet can feel your thoughts. No lies are safe._

_Bor Gullet will know the truth._

The memory sends shivers down his spine.

“Then so be it!”

It takes him a second to understand. A second to comprehend what’s happening. But when he does, Cassian has already let go of his hand and taken a step towards the bars, standing straight and his shoulders squared.

No! He can’t-

“Cassian, don’t!” It’s Kay, his metallic voice laced with concern. Well, it sounds like frustration, but Bodhi’s spent enough time with Kay to hear past the obvious. “This is stupid! Given the data so far the chances of lasting side effects-”

Cassian turns his head sharply, just a quick, imploring look back at the droid. “Don’t! Not now!” Then he focuses back on their captor.

Bodhi hears Baze grunt somewhere, clearly displeased. Jyn steps forward, practically blazing with energy. She grabs Cassian, forces him to look at her. She’s ready to argue, ready to give him a piece of her mind, but he doesn’t let her. Shuts her off just as fast as Kay with nothing but a look. One soldier to another. And Jyn’s lips press into a thin line as she takes a step back. Tense and discontented, but she does it anyway.

Bodhi watches the scene unfold, chest tight with fear, his hand still slightly reaching towards Cassian from where the other had led go a moment ago. With every passing second that tightness grows as he realizes what’s about to happen, as his fear shifts into a far greater horror. And it gets even harder to breathe.

No, he can’t let that happen.

 _He can’t_!

Memories of terror and pain flood his mind, of a cold presence, pushing and pulling, ripping at everything that makes him the man he is. Memories of chaos, of drifting, of not knowing past from present, hallucination from reality. Memories of finding wholes in one’s mind, of missing pieces that are gone or placed somewhere else.

He’s moving even before he can shake those memories again. There’s gooseflesh rippling over his skin. That doesn’t stop him, though. He shakes off the hand on his shoulder and pushes forward, stumbling a bit, stiff-legged and clumsy in his hectic, but that doesn’t stop him either. He shoulders past Cassian, ignoring his confused gasp, and faces the leader of the local rebels through the bars.

“I’ll do it!”

The words ring through the room. Forceful and determined.

There is a second of stunned silence, then all hell brakes loose. At least inside the cell.

Everyone starts talking at once, forcefully subdued into imploring hisses. Too many voices to focus on any in particular. Someone grabs his arm and pulls him back, forces him to turn around. It’s Cassian. Of course it is. Looking stern and angry. And afraid.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Cassian hisses right in his face.

“That’s not an option, Bodhi! I won’t let you do this!” Jyn’s arms are at her side, taut and bent a bit, ready to interfere and grab or punch, whatever she deems more appropriate.

“It’s a noble move, but-”

Kaytoo bends down a bit and interrupts Chirrut without a sign of being sorry. “It’s not. It’s idiotic. You want to know the chances of you getting out of this _without_ severe, irreversible damage to your mind? They’re-”

Bodhi doesn’t get the actual numbers for Cassian chooses that moment to tighten his grip on his shoulders and give him a shake. “No, Bodhi. I can’t let you do this. I won’t! I’m responsible for this mission, I’ll do this.”

“No.” Bodhi shakes his head. “No, you’re not.” His gaze flickers around for a moment, settles on every one of them for a second. “Don’t you get it?” he asks, quiet and imploring. “I _know_ what these creatures do. That’s something I don’t wish on anybody, certainly not my friends.” He focuses back on the man in front of him, looks right into Cassian’s eyes, trying to make him understand. “Least of all you! My mind’s already a mess. I can’t live with myself if I let one of yours get scrambled as well.”

He sees Chirrut out of the corner of his eyes, reaching out to hold Jyn back, her mouth open, ready to say something. He sees Baze’ gaze softening and Kaytoo standing up straighter. But most of all he sees the pain in Cassian’s eyes. And his resolve to stop him, to protect him at all costs.

And Bodhi loves him for it, even though that makes it harder than it already is.

His hands are on Cassian before he really knows it, framing his beautiful face. His stubble prickles his palms and the ever-present frown deepens and Bodhi kisses him, right there in the cell, in front of rebels and monsters and friends alike. He knows Cassian isn’t the type for public affection, not when he’s surrounded by people he trusts but certainly not in front of enemies who might take advantage of it. Bodhi doesn’t care, though. Not now. This might be the last time…

He presses close, inhales the sweat and stale breath, feels the warmth of his lips, of his tongue, and cherishes it all. And even though he knows it’s probably for nought, he puts it all to memory.

Something to cling on to.

Cassian is rigid, too surprised and uncomfortable with preening eyes to relax into it. Nevertheless his grip slackens a bit during the kiss and Bodhi lowers one hand to give the leader of the rebels a signal, hoping she’d understand. Bodhi hates to trick Cassian like this, but he has to. With a quick step backwards he frees himself and the second he steps up to the cell door a guard is there to open it.

He doesn’t look back. Doesn’t want to see the betrayed look in his lover’s eyes.

He can hear the rattling of the bars as someone throws himself against it. It’s Jyn, shouting at the rebels and him alike in her fury, spurned on by her helplessness.

He can hear another voice, deep and calm and quiet. “May the Force of others be with you.”

Not long after Baze’ words Chirrut’s quiet chanting filled the room. It makes Bodhi smile.

Cassian doesn’t say a word.

He can’t hold it against him and yet that small shaky smile vanishes into thin air again.

Then he’s pushed onto the chair, the hands of the guard on his shoulders to keep him in place and he’s looking right at it. Slimy skin and tentacles.

And from one second to the next he’s with Gerrera again. In a tiny underground cavern, cuffed tightly to a chair. Unable to move, unable to get away as a creature made of nightmares comes closer and closer.

_No! Not Gerrera!_

He’s trembling all over. The hands on his shoulders tighten.

The thing is right in front of him. Big and ugly and terrifying. He can smell it. He can smell the salty air that surrounds that thing. Wet and tangy and clinging to his nostrils.

He gags. Gasps. Holds his breath.

There’s voices but he can’t make out their words.

_Do it already!_

He can barely breathe. His fingers close around the edge of the chair at his sides, reminding him that he’s not cuffed, that he’s not with Gerrera, that he’s facing this _again_.

He’s panicking.

He knows it and he knows he’s going to lose it completely if that thing keeps him waiting much longer.

_Just get it over with! Pleeeease!_

The only thing keeping him from falling apart, the only thing keeping him upright is the knowledge that he’s protecting his friends. That he’s protecting _Cassian_!

He’s doing the right thing!

He’s doing-

The creature moves all of a sudden. Slithers across the floor on undulating tentacles. Closer and closer.

He’s shaking now. So hard it’s a wonder the chair hasn’t toppled over yet. And everything zeroes in on the monster in front of him. He wants to close his eyes, to shut the horrible sight out, but he can’t. Can’t look away. Has to know where it is. What it’s doing. He’s deaf for everything around him, can only hear his own thundering heartbeat and his panting breaths, too fast and too shallow.

He must’ve been crazy to do this.

Sure, he’s got a reason. The best reason there is. That doesn’t mean it’s not terrifying as hell.

 _One tends to lose one’s mind_.

He’s been lucky once. He doubts he’ll be lucky twice.

The creature is blurring in front of him. Maybe he’s crying. Maybe he’s hyperventilating. He’s not sure, doesn’t care. It’s not important. Not as important as Cassian. He tries to remember that last kiss, the way Cassian has felt beneath his hands, beneath his lips. His warmth and his taste. The sound of his voice. Tries to hold onto that for as long as possible, for he knows it will be ripped from him.

And for a short moment those memories soothe him. But then he feels it, feels slimy skin and wiggling tentacles trail along his legs and sides and every coherent thought he might have had dissolves into nothing but panic. Slithering appendages wrap around his body, trap his arms at his sides and keep him unable to move. Helpless. Vulnerable.

He can’t think anymore. Can’t breathe.

Even that endless loop of every last piece of horrible memory from last time comes to a stuttering halt, his mind too frozen in terror to keep it up. And then two tentacles push up at the back of his neck. They wrap around his head, the tips settling against his temples.

His mouth opens into a wordless scream.

 

_TBC_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave a comment.   
> I'm always happy to know what you're thinking!


	2. A Brave Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will get worse before it gets better... just so you're warned!

Cassian watches as Bodhi is led away to the chair. He watches and can’t believe it. He watches and waits. For Bodhi to turn back to him. For someone to wake him up. For a miracle to happen.

 _All is as the Force wills it_.

He doesn’t know where these words come from all of a sudden. He only knows that this cannot possibly be the will of the Force. Torturing the man he loves – _sacrificing_ him – because of a stupid mistake. Because of a mission. He stares at Bodhi, sees his hands trembling, sees the disgusting looking creature in front of him and he can’t shake the memory of a slack face, confused and disoriented, with eyes so terribly lost. Bodhi had been on the brink of losing himself, but he’d fought his way back. Had fought his pain and his fear, had fought to put his mind back together and he’d made it. Still traumatized, still plagued by nightmares and gaps in his memory that shouldn’t be there, but he’s alive and _sane_.

Cassian knows it’s unlikely his mind will be able to push back like that a second time. There’s only so much damage a human mind can take.

_Dammit Bodhi! Why did you do that?_

Of course he knows the answer.

But now he’s on the wrong side of the bars and can only watch. Numb and frantic all at once. His thoughts racing and stuck in thick molasses. He can’t watch and can’t look away. Even with witnessing the destruction of Jedha, with fighting on and barely surviving Scarif he can’t remember if he’s ever been so damn scared as right now, but he doubts it. And he’s pissed. Absolutely pissed. At Bodhi, for tricking him like that. It should’ve been _him_ , he’s their captain, responsible for their team. And he’s pissed at Sola Komo, for forcing this on them. For using methods like that, inhumane and cruel. But most of all he’s pissed with himself for letting himself be fooled by Bodhi. For messing up in the first place. He should’ve told them about the two members of their team still waiting in their ship. Should’ve been open from the start.

That won’t change the situation, though. Neither thinking about ‘what if’s nor being angry nor giving into this terrible feeling of being torn apart.

He watches as the monster gets moving and Bodhi starts shaking for real now.

He can still taste him, on his lips, on his tongue.

No, that kiss won’t be their last. He won’t let that happen!

So he pushes himself against the bars, his hands closing tight around them, and does what he’s never done before: he pleads.

“Please!” He looks at Sola and holds her gaze as soon as she looks at him. “Please don’t do this! Please! I’m telling you the truth, there’s nothing to gain by this. At least let me take his place! I don’t care what you do to me, just don’t hurt my team!”

Sola cocks her head to the side. There’s a strange look on her face. He can’t place it, but he can’t place anything about her anymore. Up until the moment her men had brought Bodhi and Kaytoo in their meeting had been amicable and promising. Sola had struck him as a good leader: fierce and just. Clever and with a dark sense of humor. Her people respected her greatly and she looked out for them, wanted the best for them and their cause. Their was more than hatred for the Empire that bound these rebels together.

Still, it was that hatred and mistrust that had led to this unfortunate situation. That and his own stupidity.

Anyway, there’s no more time for him to plead or try to make sense of her strange expression. A breathless gasp claims his attention and his gaze falls on Bodhi, held immobile by thick tentacles around his shoulders and head. And something in him snaps.

He rips his gaze off of the horrifying display. It’s hard but it’s easier to pin the leader of the rebels with a deadly glare than actually watch his lover’s mind being ripped to shreds.

This time, he doesn’t plead.

He threatens.

He’s not exactly sure what curses and expletives and threats and promises leave his lips, but he’s too desperate to care. Too angry and terrified and helpless to actually care.

There are hands on his shoulders, trying to pull him away. Or to stop him. Whatever.

On some level he knows that he should pull himself together, should keep a cool head and find a way to get them out of here, but he can’t. Not when this woman is hurting Bodhi. Not when this creature is tearing through his mind.

He can’t lose him. He just can’t.

Sola isn’t leaning against the wall anymore. Her eyes are alternately trained on Bodhi or on him, a deep frown on her brow. That and something else. Something-

The creature moves again. Slowly the tentacles unwrap from around Bodhi before the creature slithers back completely.

It’s too late now.

It’s done.

Bodhi’s head sags forward, his whole body limp. If it weren’t for the guard who steps up again to put his hands on Bodhi’s shoulders he would’ve slipped from the chair.

Cassian’s stomach drops, twisted into a tight and icy knot. Bile is rising in his throat.

Then Bodhi’s shoulders start to shake. Not the way they shook before, but violent jerking movements that pierce right through Cassian’s heart. It’s a seizure. Has to be.

That means brain damage, right?

That second time was too much for Bodhi.

The hands on his shoulders squeeze harder. He barely feels it over the horrible ache in his chest.

It’s eerily silent in the room, the rebels possibly unprepared for a reaction like this. Or uncaring. He’s not sure, but there’s nobody moving and he wants to shout at them to _help him for Force’ sake_ , but his lips won’t cooperate.

Then he hears it, a broken, choked laugh. Or a sob? It’s neither one nor the other and yet somehow both. It sends chills down his spine. That sound is more terrifying than anything else. Shrill and- _crazy_.

_One tends to lose one’s mind._

Gerrera’s words. Bodhi had told him one night, shaking in his arms after a nightmare. He can’t get them out of his mind, can’t shake their haunting presence.

It’s absolutely quiet in the room apart from the horrible chuckles.

Sola steps into the picture. Her gaze rests on Bodhi and there’s a certain amount of uncertainty about the way she moves as she leans forward to get a better look at the slumped pilot. He’s not sure, but she almost looks shocked. For a moment. She reaches out and pulls the last of the tentacles off his leg. She lets it go pretty quickly, though.

“Get him back to the others,” she orders, her voice maybe a tad softer than before.

Cassian wants to shout at her as she simply turns around and follows the creature outside, as if nothing had happened. As if she hadn’t just ruined a man’s life. But he doesn’t as he spots movement at the corner of his eyes.

The guard, clearly paler than before, is helping Bodhi up and guides him carefully back over to their cell. Bodhi is wobbly on his feet, swaying and weak in the knees. His head is hanging low and his hair is in total disarray, different strands cover his face, pulled free from his tie by twisting tentacles. Even now his shoulders are still jerking up and down in sync with those eerie hybrid sounds between laughter and sobbing.

The guard opens their cell and pushes Bodhi almost gently into his waiting arms. Their gazes cross for a second. The shock in that young man’s eyes takes him by surprise. Then the cell is closed again and the guard hurries back to his colleague by the door and Bodhi is finally in his armsagain.

Or what’s left of him.

“Hey,” he says softly as he leans the other against the bars, holding his upper arms to keep his limp body upright. It seems he’s standing on his own, though, so he lets his hands run up and down his arms in a soothing rhythm as he ducks his head a bit to try and get a glimpse of Bodhi’s face.

It’s not working with his head hanging low, his chin on his chest. His hair is hiding his features from him and he just _can’t take those horrible, horrible noises anymore._

“Bodhi? Come on, look at me!”

Even before he’s saying that he lifts his hands to card his fingers through the messy strands and push them back by framing his lovers face. There are wet streaks glistening on his cheeks, no doubt from tears.

His breath hitches in his throat and he just can’t bring himself to pull Bodhi’s head up and look at him, too afraid of what he’ll see there. But he doesn’t have to. For Bodhi lifts his head all on his own, cradled in Cassian’s calloused hands as it is.

And the noises stop. The sudden silence presses heavily against his ears.

Cassian startles. Bites his lip. And looks right into dark brown eyes, glistening with fresh tears.

Clear eyes, so full of emotion.

There’s a shaky smile as well, barely there, but it’s a _smile_.

“Cassian!” A pair of trembling arms wraps around him, so unexpected and familiar it forces a gasp out of him. And suddenly he’s aware that he hasn’t been breathing ever since he’d laid hands on Bodhi again and he gulps down air in a desperate gasp. Shaky and confused and-

“It’s okay! I’m okay!”

It’s barely a whisper, but it’s Bodhi’s beautiful voice. His face pressed against his neck. Cassian can feel his breath warm against his bare skin and it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever felt.

His knees buckle and the arms around him tighten. Hold him up. And close. And Cassian does the same, his hands fisting into the material of the Imperial flight suit.

Bodhi is shaking in his arms.

Or maybe he is shaking himself.

He’s not sure.

Bodhi is okay. Bodhi is here and he is okay and he’s still _in there_. That’s the only thing that matters.

Someone is sighing in relief.

It’s like a dam breaking. All of a sudden reality rushes in again and he realizes that he isn’t alone in this cell. The others are closer now, crowding them, but it’s okay. A big hand is squeezing his shoulder and he hears Jyn next to him, stuttering in an uncharacteristically breathy voice, “How-?”

Bodhi pulls back, out of their embrace but he doesn’t let go completely, his hands linger at Cassian’s sides. Nevertheless Cassian misses the contact already. He’s not ready to let go, not after fearing the worst.

His gaze flickers over their little group. Takes in Jyn’s confusion and Chirrut’s wide grin and Baze’ relief. And Kaytoo’s hand that still rests on his shoulder. But his eyes come to rest on that beautiful little smile on Bodhi’s face, unsure and bewildered and endearing and _so wonderfully whole_. It’s still there, right in those dark eyes, that spirit that makes Bodhi who he is.

And Cassian finds that he doesn’t care for the answer. Not right now.

He closes his hands around that beautiful face and pulls Bodhi close into a fierce kiss. For once he doesn’t care that they’ve got an audience. He doesn’t care exposing more of himself and his emotions by that openly passionate act than probably during every conversation ever. He doesn’t care that their guards are watching, that after this display there won’t be any doubt about the kind of relationship they share.

“Bodhi Rook, your ability of defying the odds of possible disaster is truly remarkable. Vexing, but most remarkable indeed.”

Bodhi chuckles into the kiss at Kay’s unusually phrased relief and pulls back in the end. He doesn’t step back though, instead he comes closer, presses himself against him and leans his head on his shoulder.

Cassian clutches his pilot tightly, not just because he got him back, but also because his knees are still wobbly as hell.

“It’s good to have you back, little brother!” Baze says and claps Bodhi’s back.

“Bodhi- how? How’s this possible?” It’s Jyn again.

Bodhi shrugs, a puzzled yet awed expression on his face. “It- it wasn’t like last time. It didn’t want to hurt me. It was asking for permission… well, it tried at least. But I- I was panicking and didn’t realize it. It pushed in, just a little bit to find out what’s wrong and- and it saw everything. Gerrera and Bor Gullet and it was _appalled_. I don’t know how but I just _knew_ that it didn’t want me any harm. I think it projected his intentions at me? I’m not sure how it works, but it calmed me down and I was able to think again. It asked for forgiveness. And for permission again, to look for the answers to their questions. I let it in. It was nothing like- like- It was _gentle_ and careful. It only looked, never touched. I had no idea it could be like that. No idea...” His voice falters at the end, overcome with disbelief and relief all at once.

Turns out Cassian had been wrong. He _is_ glad now that he knows the answer to the question. Glad that for once Bodhi had experienced unexpected kindness instead of torture. He pulls his pilot even closer and lowers his head until his forehead softly bumps against Bodhi’s. He’s clinging to him and he knows it, but he feels so light with relief he’s actually afraid to simply float away if he lets go.

“Don’t ever do something like that again!” It doesn’t come out as intended: a desperate plea disguised as a command. Instead it’s nothing but a weak whisper, his voice too shaky to hide his fear. His relief. His tiredness. He goes on nonetheless, although even quieter, meant only for Bodhi’s ears. “I can’t lose you!”

Bodhi’s arms tighten around him and he nuzzles his nose and cheek against Cassian’s. It’s scruff and intimate. And it tickles. “I’m right here, Cassian. Right here.”

It’s not a promise. And not an apology.

He’s not an idiot, he knows what that means. Bodhi would do it again if it meant saving him or their friends. And although that leaves an uncomfortable weight in his stomach, it also makes him love that man even more.

They get interrupted when the door to the room opens again. It’s Sola Komo.

He pulls Bodhi closer on instinct and angles his body so he’s in between them. All around him backs straighten, he can feel it more than he can see it, an air of tension and protectiveness. He’s still not used to it, to having backup like this. He wonders if he ever will.

The guards from the door leave the room. It’s just Sola and the compact woman at her side that she’d introduced as her second in command earlier. She steps up to their cell and wordlessly opens the door before she retreats and indicates their freedom to leave the cell with a wave of her wrist.

So that’s what they do.

Cassian pushes past his friends, leaving the cell first – he’s still their leader after all. He never lets go of Bodhi’s hand, though. They already know and he doesn’t care what they think. He only cares for the warm fingers entwined with his; for the reassurance that strong grip brings with it.

Bodhi steps up next to him, still a bit jittery but strong, so very very strong. The rest of the team follows suit. He doesn’t fail to notice the way they position themselves around and behind them, almost like a warning. _Hurt one of us again and you’ll regret it!_

Sola acknowledges their silent message with an understanding nod. Her face was set in a pinched expression but there was something deeply rattled behind the surface and it was showing in her eyes.

“I have to apologize.” Her gaze rests heavily on him yet he can’t help thinking that it’s Bodhi who deserves an apology. “I know now that you’ve been telling the truth. I’m sorry for the rough treatment,” she looks at all of them in turn now, “but I hope you can understand my position as well.”

Jyn snorts.

Cassian can’t hold it against her. Sola is right, though. If their roles had been reversed he would’ve acted with caution and mistrust as well. Just not with an involuntary mind-probe. At least he hopes he wouldn’t have resorted to that. If he’s absolutely honest with himself, he’s not so sure about it.

A bit lost within his own mind, it’s Chirrut who beats him to a reply.

“Of course we can. To a certain degree.”

“Fair enough.” A small smile ghosts across the rebel leaders face. She’s relieved and yet she looks just as troubled as before.

“We’re a proud people, Captain Andor, but I’m not too proud to acknowledge a mistake. When you saw my friend, Cuul Gorrel, I assumed by your reaction that you’re familiar with their species and abilities. I assumed you knew about their code of conduct. I should’ve made sure. The way you acted later on, all of you, I knew that something was wrong and I should’ve acted on it. I am truly sorry for that.”

There she is again, the Sola Komo from before all hell had broken loose. The fierce and just and respected woman that he’d met earlier. And he knows – on a professional level – that they need people like her in the rebellion, strong but not above admitting an error of judgement. But a part of him bristles at the thought of accepting her apology.

She’d hurt Bodhi after all.

Maybe not physically, but he’d been through hell, no doubt, these last moments.

Bodhi squeezes his hand.

And Cassian takes a breath and calms his mind. There’d been enough rashness and misunderstandings and harsh words already. He cannot forgive her, not yet anyway, but he can try to understand.

“What code of conduct?”

“To only use their abilities on outsiders for communication unless there is explicit permission for a deeper probe. To never circumvent the act of permission. Except for dire emergencies.”

Jyn snorts again. “So it’s all a matter of interpretation in the end. How convenient. Where’s that thing anyway?”

“That ‘ _thing_ ’,” Sola stresses, her open expression morphing back into something hard, “has a name. Cuul Gorrel is resting. The recent events have taken a toll on them. Yes, they bent the emergencies-rule a little because your friend was having a panic attack and they wanted to help. They weren’t prepared for that. And even less for the depth of betrayal of one of their own kind.”

There’s a weariness to Sola’s voice that hasn’t been there before. She cares for that creature, one of her people, maybe even a friend. And Cassian catches himself thinking that maybe they’re not so different after all. Both caught off-guard by a stupid mess of misunderstandings and misjudgements.

“Are they okay?”

It’s Bodhi. _Of course_ it’s Bodhi. Rash and nervous and easy to infuriate, but also one of the most compassionate people he knows.

Sola’s eyes widen in surprise before a smile tugs at her lips. She seems calmer now, less rattled and her posture eases accordingly. “They will be. Which- brings me to you, Mr. Rook.”

He can practically feel the way Bodhi’s shoulders tense up next to him, so he squeezes his hand. He’s pretty sure that they’re in no danger from these rebels anymore, but still, he’s unwilling to let go of the pilot’s hand. And not just for Bodhi’s sake.

Sola goes on, her sole focus on Bodhi this time. “Cuul has shown me what has been done to you. I am deeply sorry I unknowingly put you through that kind of horror again. I-” She clears her throat for a moment. “I’ve seen many things in my life, Mr. Rook, but a man willingly facing that kind of torture again to spare his friends, sure that it would cost him his mind for good this time… that’s the bravest thing I’ve ever witnessed.”

She nods at Bodhi, a slow movement meant to acknowledge her respect for him. Then she takes them all in, one by one. She holds Cassian’s gaze for a moment, intense and meaningful, as if she’s trying to convey a message, before she nods again and settles her gaze back on Bodhi.

“I’d be honored to have a man like that amongst my allies!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story wouldn't leave me alone and as much as I love the ending it didn't feel finished, you know what I mean?  
> So, I've got a small idea for a sweet, cuddly moment after this whole mess. I hope I'll manage to write it today or Saturday.  
> But you're informed now: there will be an epilogue to this :)


	3. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be some super fluffy ending... it demanded to take a slightly different road.  
> But there IS cuddling involved and it's sweet, so... enjoy :)

This day certainly took the meaning of “weary” and “tired” and “emotionally drained” to a whole new level. Cassian can barely remember the conversation with Sola Komo about the terms of an alliance. Or their trip back through the jungle to their ship.

And yet sleep eludes him.

He could’ve lost Bodhi today.

For a few horrible minutes he _had_.

He nudges closer, buries his face even deeper into Bodhi’s neck until his coarse beard scratches along his brow. He inhales deeply, the smell of soap and clean skin and _Bodhi_ tickling his nose in all the right ways. He can feel him, his warmth, pressed up against him from head to toe. He can feel his chest expand right beneath his own, every new intake of breath just as precious as the one before.

Bodhi is right here. With him.

Safe.

He is so damn tired. Heavy and sluggish and tired. Even closed his eyelids seem to weigh a ton. He longs for sleep. For some rest.

But even with Bodhi right beneath him, pressed against him in the narrow bunk, his mind wouldn’t let him.

They’ve come too close this time. Too kriffin’ close.

And he’d been unable to do a thing about it.

Cassian takes another deep breath, concentrates on it and lets the smell of Bodhi fill his mind. It’s so hard to focus on the here and now, instead of the turmoil within, the twisting ball of fear and endless possible ‘what if’s, one more horrible than the other. But he tries. He really does. The fingers of his left hand are entwined with Bodhi’s, their joined hands resting on his lover’s chest. He can imagine how they look. One pale, the other a warm brown, linked in a gesture of strength. Promise and reassurance alike. And there’s a warm hand resting on his head with lazy fingers that card through his hair in a soothing rhythm. It’s nice. Almost hypnotic. Breathing certainly becomes easier after a while. Maybe, if he keeps concentrating on Bodhi’s soft ministrations, he might even be able to fall asleep.

The low humming of the ship beneath them is a gentle reminder that they’re finally on their way back home. The moment they’d flown off, their back to the planet and nothing but the blackness and glittering stars of the universe in front of them, Cassian had truly felt his exhaustion for the first time. Bodhi had taken a much needed shower in the tiny ‘fresher. Then Chirrut had practically shoved them both into the small crew cabin – the only one on board – claiming they should get some rest. Neither of them had had in in them to argue.

Kay had assured him that he was very well capable of flying them back on his own, thank you very much, and only a short while later they’d settled down into one of the cots. They were narrow, even for one alone, but neither of them had felt like letting the other go for longer than necessary. It was a tight fit. It still is, but right now he wouldn’t want it any other way.

Cassian sighs.

It’s too quiet.

He knows Bodhi isn’t sleeping. And he knows he’s got a lot of stuff to work through after today, but Bodhi is rarely that quiet, always talking, be it to share his excitement or to tease him or to fill the silence whenever he couldn’t stand it. Right now though it’s Cassian who can’t take the quiet anymore. It screams too much of Bodhi on that chair, petrified, immobile and silent. So horribly silent.

“What are you thinking about?”

His voice is too loud, too harsh in the quiet room. And too sudden.

Bodhi startles. The stroking hand in his hair jerks then stills. Cassian should feel sorry for that, but he doesn’t.

“Oh… um, nothing in particular, just… well, I was thinking about Bor Gullet and Cuul Gorrel. About how different they are.”

“Everyone’s different.”

“Sure, but- they’re from a peaceful species. It just- it makes you wonder what makes some people turn so ruthless and cruel.”

There are many things, so many, many things that come to mind. Power, money, betrayal, to name just a few. But Cassian doesn’t want to think about any of that.

“I don’t care. All I care about is that you’re okay.” It hits him unprepared, the doubt, as if it had been lurking in the shadows only waiting for the opportune moment to strike. His eyes shoot open and he lifts his head to get a glimpse at Bodhi’s face, the protest of his muscles noted but ignored. “You really _are_ okay, right?”

The far-away-look in Bodhi’s eyes vanishes almost instantly and brown eyes settle on him. And he smiles. That dazzling smile that he loves so much. So warm and amazing and simply Bodhi. Long fingers slip gently from his grasp – _no, don’t let go_ – only to stroke his hair out of his face. And then Bodhi is kissing him. Soft and slow, taking his own sweet time.

“Yes,” Bodhi finally whispers, his lips lingering only a hair’s width from Cassian’s, “I am. I’m okay. Promise.”

Calloused fingers rest against his cheek. Together with the hand in his hair they gently guide him back down, back to the spot at his neck. There’s a smile on Cassian’s face this time and he doesn’t resist as his eyes fall shut and his body seems to lose all cohesion and practically melts against his precious pilot.

It’s okay.

Bodhi’s okay.

 _But is he really?_ It’s the silence, taunting him.

“Then… can you talk to me?” The words just spill, out of nowhere. Quiet and anxious and so very needy. Cassian wants to take them back. Wants to explain. It came out so utterly wrong. He doesn’t want Bodhi to think that he’s urging him to talk about what happened, even though it sounds just like it. No, he only wants – _needs_ – to hear him talk, to know that he’s still the same. That he’s still _sane_.

But the words get stuck in his throat.

It’s just wrong. Bodhi is the one who’s been through hell today, who’d faced his worst nightmares, who’d been willing to sacrifice his sanity. He should be the one comforting Bodhi not the other way around.

Bodhi’s right hand traces down his arm until their hands meet again and his fingers curl back between Cassian’s. He twists his head a bit. Soft lips press a gentle kiss on his forehead. There’s no reproach in any of it. Just love.

“Sure. Have I ever told you the story of how the reprimand of ‘unsafe operation of a vehicle’ got into my file?”

Cassian almost sobs. Or laughs. He’s not sure. And he hasn’t enough energy for either, anyway.

Bodhi understands. Of course he does.

So Cassian mumbles a negative and smiles as he listens to Bodhi’s story. The words soon blur together, but their message finally found its way home.

Bodhi _is_ okay!

 

* * *

 

Slow and even breaths tell Bodhi that Cassian’s troubled mind has finally found the reassurance it needed to relax and rest. But he keeps on talking for a while longer, a warm smile on his lips as he savors the feeling of his lover’s hair beneath his fingers. Of his exhalation that tickles at his neck. Of his weight pressed tight against him.

He’d been sure today that he’d never have a moment like this again. That he’d never be able to hold the man he loves. Never feel the warmth of his skin, the prickling of his stubble, never hear his beautiful voice.

But fate has been kind today.

He appreciates that deeply.

His mind has been invaded today and yet he feels alright. Exhausted, but alright. He knows that the euphoria and the relief of being alive and whole will probably wear off soon, leaving him with the task of processing what has happened. But for now he’s too exhausted to even try.

For now he’s simply happy that he’s still here, with Cassian in his arms and even more motivation to cherish every single moment of their time together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading :)


End file.
